The Really Real True Story of Christmas 2

The Really Really Really True Story of Christmas
by Steve Speer
(False Historian)
December 02, 2007

From the Email Bag
Comments from Readers

This story burns me up. For the past 28 years I thought Santa was real.

Our stockholders are enraged. We've lost 3 million dollars in sales in the past 2 days, and I'm having to take a cut in my salary which means I'll have to get by on only 6 million a year. If you are a hit man out there with a good aim please contact my office. 800-HIT-MANN

Where is he? Come on out Speer. What's next, you gonna tell us that man didn't evolve? You're a lunatic, what do you mean there's no Santa? Come on out of your cave.

You just wait Speer, give me a month with John Basedow's exercise videos. I'll tear you to pieces and feed you to
the reindeer!
-Santa

The 1st Annual Christmas Celebration

As planned, the next year they all met on the 15th of December at the home of the dumbest wise man. The younger and the wisest wise men had brought tons of supplies by caravan to sell to all those excited gentiles. They set up their shops under one big tent at a local market place and for five straight days they sold trinkets, trees, hams, yams, you name it and it was sold. They had anticipated the rush on their goods and had caravan after caravan restocking the shelves daily. Many years later UPS and FedEx

ripped of the caravan concept but used planes in lieu of camels to transport the merchandise. On the day before Christmas they slashed prices to nearly nothing which irritated many who had paid the full price for their items but this was Christmas, and a time to be joyful so no one ever sued the vendors.

As you would know it, the three wise men laughed all the way back to the wisest wise mans bank as did the shareholders. Then the three of them went to the home of the dumb wise man to quietly celebrate having pulled off the greatest scam the world has ever known, and exchange gifts amongst themselves. After a couple of gallons of wine and reminiscing about the time spent in the dessert last year they

decided to exchange gifts. What transpired next was like an episode of CSI Caesarea. After opening their gifts the wisest wise man and the youngest wise man got into an argument and then a vicious fight. Staffs and rods were swinging in all directions, and if you could have seen all the blood you would know just what harm these sticks can do.

The youngest wise man had given both the wisest and the dumber wise men frankincense valued at 30 shekels. The wisest wise man had given both the youngest wise man and the dumbest wise man a stocking of gold valued at nearly 200 shekels. The dumber wise man was quite happy and thankful with both of his gifts but the other two got into a heated argument because of one gift being more expensive than the other. The fight continued until finally the dumber wise man forced his way between them, and reminded them of the reason for the season, and, “it’s the thought behind the gift that counts”, and also reminded them of the tag line they used to get the gentiles to buy, “It’s better to give than receive”. After that they felt ashamed of their actions, and with tears in their eyes they apologized and hugged one another, and then the dumb wise man gave them his presents. Out of this gruesome incident came the idea to draw names each year and place a high and low shekel amount on the price of the gift. We do it to this day.

Although many changes have been made over hundreds of years, this was the beginning of Christmas as we know it today. We have these three wise men to thank for the opportunity to outspend each other once a year on trinkets, and other useless things for each other, and most of all to go into debt. And remember; if it had not been for these three wise men we would not have banks, digital photography, Christmas trees, import and export businesses, stuffed animals, shopping malls, Wal-Mart's and more. Oh dear Lord… I forgot to tell you; it was not till many Christmas’s later that the truth came out as to how the dumb wise man died that fateful night. As the older wisest wise man lay on his death bed he told the story to one of his stockholders.

It was said that the dumbest wise man handed each of his dear friends a package with a smile of joyful anticipation upon his face, and the two of them standing there with one nose a- bleeding, two necks a-achin', three knee caps a-dislocated, four ears a-broken, five toes a-missin', six tendons a-pullended', seven bite marks a-smartin', eight puncture wounds a-bleedin', nine nails a-missin', ten toes a-smashened', eleven teeth a-broken, and twelve ribs a-fractured, looked at their friend, and with tearful eyes said to the dumbest wise man "You didn’t have to do this”, and “You shouldn’t have”, and together they both opened their packages to find they each had been given...